Finding Love through Nature - Chapter 2

[yonkyu]

CHAPTER TWO

Jared - POV

     
          Jen, sorry, we will talk about it tomorrow.

Jared frowns, since he knows what emotions must be running through Jensen, but then smiles knowing things will heal and get better, one day at a time.

Jared awakes to the sound of his alarm clock and rolls over to turn it off.  He looks at the clock and grabs his cell phone in haste.  Jared goes to the messages on his IPhone and looks for Jensen’s name.  He re-reads the message again.

         Danni and I are over, we just broke up.  See you in the morning.

Closing his eyes, Jared takes a deep breath.  He knows just how much Jensen is hurting; he has always been truly, madly, deeply in love with Danneel.  He understands the feeling all too well, since he knows how it feels to have your heart broken.

Jared can remember the day that he and Genevieve broke up after the last episode of season seven.  While sitting in bed with his head leaning against the headboard Jared allows himself to relive that moment in time.

Jared sat in his trailer, eating lunch.  He wanted some space and time to think.  His relationship with Genevieve was heading in the same direction as his relationship with Sandy had gone.  Their relationship was based on lies: no love for one another, and the wanting of someone else to be in his arms.  Jared needed to be true to himself and let Genevieve know the truth about how he felt.  He had been deceiving Gen by pretending that he could continue in this relationship.  He needed to admit this relationship was over and not hide the fact that he had feelings for someone else.  Jared can’t change the past, and he can’t undo the lies he told.  He remembered when their relationship first started and how in love they were.  So strong and passionate with each other, but as time had passed the feelings changed for her.  He began to recognize his feelings for Genevieve were no longer love and more like a friend.  So Jared needed to meet with Gen and finally release her from the hogwash, out of respect for her and himself.

Jared invited Genevieve to lunch at The Grill so they could discuss their relationship, though they were engaged.  The Grill was their favorite restaurant, a place where they could remember their country roots.  The Grill was built out of logs like a log cabin with dim lighting for a romantic feel.  There was a large fireplace set near the bar when you walked into the front doors.  A bear head and a deer head hung on a wall, and every thirty minutes or so, they shared stories about the country-side.  Each table was square, made out of logwood, and had a checker tablecloth of red and white.  The chairs were each carved from a large tree trunk to look more like a stool.  Jared and Genevieve would always sit near the photograph of a large Moose seen in a Maine forest during Fall.

Genevieve entered the restaurant and grabbed their usual spot at the Grill.  Jared watched her for a few moments.  He felt guilty for the fallacies that had been prevalent in their relationship.  As Jared walked towards the table, he suddenly felt a strong surge of anxiety about how the discussion will go and how things might end.  Jared sat at the table and Gen turned to look at him with sadness and relief knowing that this will be the moment everything bottled up inside of them will finally come out.  Jared smiled shyly as if he knew in his heart that Genevieve had always known the truth. 

After a few minutes of looking over the menu, they placed their order.  Jared got the steak and mashed potatoes with broccoli, while Gen ordered the grilled chicken orange salad.  Jared ordered a nice and smooth red wine to go with their dinner.

Jared found himself playing nervously with his napkin. 

Genevieve spoke up, “Jared, what did you want to talk about?”

Jared took a slow, deep breath to muster his strength.  One truth, he had never admitted to anyone but Jensen, was about his sexuality.  He had only come to the realization himself a few months ago during one of Chad’s visits, and it was the reason why he felt it so important to come clean now.

“I wanted to talk about us, Gen; it’s not working.  I think you know that.  I haven’t exactly been honest with you.  I thought I could live with it, but I can’t.  I – I’m gay,” he admitted, relieved to finally tell her the truth.  “I’m sorry. I can’t marry you.  It wasn’t anything you did.  I just fell in love with someone else.”  He only prayed they could deal with it in a respectful way.

Jared was relieved that now he would be able to be himself with her for the first time in a long time.

Jared watched her as a flood of emotions flowed across her face.  Gen looked at Jared with anger and betrayal in her eyes as she took in what he just shared with her.  Her eyes filled with tears, but she simply nodded.  She stood from the table and walked towards the moose photograph to compose herself.  After a few moments, she returned, sitting with her hands gripping the ends of the table for security and control.

“What do you mean you are in love with someone else?  I thought we were strong and having a great time…I guess I was wrong.  I cannot believe you’re doing this.  But I understand what you are saying.  I am very upset that things with us cannot work out, but I hope that someday you can tell this person how much you care and love them.”

Jared just sat there frozen in time not knowing what to say or do after hearing her words, but knowing that they were the truth.  Jared wished he could work things out but deep down in his heart he was in love with Jensen.  Jared could sense that Genevieve was not done speaking.

“Looking back at some of the memories we’ve shared, Jared, I can’t deny that there was dishonesty in our relationship.  I remember when we planned a trip to Florida and you told me our reservations were booked and I believed you…until I got a call from the Hotel saying the reservation wasn’t put down yet.  I remember when I surprised you at a convention just to be with you.  The look on your face was surprised, shocked, and anxious, not happy, excited, or thrilled to see me as I had expected.  I just put it aside and pushed it deep down within my heart and told myself that I was misreading your emotions and body language.  But sadly, deep down after coming to terms with the discrepancies I knew some day one of us would get the courage to admit the truth.”
 
“Genevieve, I also remember those times and I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am for not following through with the plans we made.  I realize now that I should have had more respect for you and our relationship, and I apologize.  I will have to come to terms with that.  We had great times together, like going to the beach in Florida and relaxing in the sun.  Riding our bikes, side by side, on the Kangaroo Trail in Vancouver; laughing with the wind in our hair.  Never forget those memories, they weren’t a lie, they were real.  Never forget them, I know I won’t.” 

Jared stood up, standing in front of Genevieve now after they expressed their feelings that they had pushed down deep within their hearts.  Gen and Jared looked at each other, at terms, with what was shared.  They hugged and Jared watched Genevieve walk away.  As she turned around Jared could see tears falling down her cheeks.  After Genevieve left the restaurant, Jared felt relieved it was out in the open.

Once Jared came down from his emotions regarding what took place with Gen, Jared slumped into his chair at the restaurant and just sat there.  At a loss as what to do next, Jared just sat there staring at the moose photograph deciding what to do.  Then the bear head started to share a fact about the countryside.  “The meadow fields are filled with wild flowers of yellow and white daffodils.”

About an hour after the break up Jared finally left the restaurant.  He got into his car and started to drive around still high on what happened back at the restaurant with Gen.  He just knew that he felt much better now to know the truth was out there and she knew.  He finally decided to call Jensen on his cell hoping he would answer.

After the fourth ring, Jensen answered his phone with sleepiness coming through, “Hey Jay, what’s up?”

“Hey, sorry to call so late, but Gen and I just broke up, and I was wondering if I could stay the night at your place.”

“Sure Jay, we can have a beer or two and you can tell me what happened.”

“Thanks man, this means a lot.”

Jared arrived at Jensen’s house about a half an hour later.

Jared takes a deep breath after the memory and knows Jensen will need his support.  He hopes for the best and is scared about the thought of sharing his feelings with Jensen.  Jared hopes his friend doesn’t hit rock bottom.  He will support his friend through this challenging time.

Jared picks up the phone that is sitting on the end table, charging.  He searches and dials Eric’s number.

“Hey, Eric, I’m calling myself and Jensen out for the rest of the week.  Jensen is not emotionally able to perform to his high expectations at this time.”

“Hey, Jared, I can respect that, though I’m not happy about having production delayed for a week.  Did Jensen and Danni break up?”

Jared doesn’t want to answer Eric’s question, but knows he should.

“Yes, Eric, they did, last night.  I know from experience that Jensen will not be up for working at least for a week.”

“I understand, Jared.  Send my regards to Jensen.”

Jared hangs up the phone.  He searches for Jensen’s number to text him.

         Hey man.  Called us out for the week.  I’ll be over later this morning.

<~~~~>

Jared eats a quick breakfast before he takes a shower.

Jared waits for the right temperature before he steps into the shower.  When he is in the shower, his thoughts go to Jensen, wondering how he is making out at this hour.  Jared quickly finishes up in the shower and heads to his bedroom to get dressed.

As Jared is pulling on his shirt, his phone vibrates to indicate he received a text message.  He reaches over to the nightstand and grabs his phone.

Once he pushes the button, he sees Jensen’s name and opens the message to read.

          Jay, come quick.  I need you.

Jared’s heart sinks into his gut. Shit. He needs to get there soon and encourage Jensen to keep going on in life and that he will find love again.  Jared will not let one person in the world push his best friend into a deep dark black hole just because this person no longer loves Jensen the way he should be loved.

Jared wants to be there for his friend and help him out of this. I hope I get through to him and show him how to love again.  This sucks because I love him.

Trying not to think about his feelings for his best friend, he needs to get his body in gear to go check in on Jensen.  He grabs his coat and keys and heads towards his black truck that is sitting in the garage.

Once he gets on the main road his mind just wanders as he drives through the back roads to Jensen’s house.  He can see the house from the road and can tell that the lights are off inside.  Sighing, he pulls the truck into the driveway and parks.  Sitting there, he is unsure what to do and what awaits him inside the house.

Jared waits minutes that feel like hours before he pushes open the truck door and heads up to the house.

Jared reaches down into the brick box that sits under the doorbell and grabs the house key.  He pushes the key into the lock and turns it.  Jared takes a deep breath, turns the knob and walks into the house.  As he is closing the door behind him, Jared hears the sound of pattering of feet heading his way.  Jared greets Icarus with a whole body scratch that eases the dog.

Jared walks towards the sliding doors to let Icarus out to run around outside and relax from the tension of sadness he can feel beating through the house.  Jared turns to go in search of Jensen when his senses can smell the strong odor of liquor coming from the couch.  Fuck!

Jared rushes towards the kitchen to make a fresh pot of coffee that will arouse Jensen from his drunken, depressed state of mind.

The coffee is brewing and Jared hears groaning and moaning coming from the living room, knowing Jensen can smell the strong pot brewing.

Jensen pads into the kitchen, stretches, as he looks up to see his best friend.  Their eyes lock, full of emotion with clear understanding of what came to pass.

Jared can see Jensen’s been crying throughout the night while drowning himself in liquor to help him sleep.  His eyes are red and blood shot and his shoulders slump with defeat.  Jared walks up to Jensen and bear hugs him as tight as he possibly can.

Jensen starts to cry into Jared’s shoulder uncontrollably and Jared tightens his hold.  Jared completely understands the hurt emotion that is affecting Jensen at this moment.

<~~~~>

Once Jensen stops crying and shuddering in Jared’s arms, Jared asks Jensen to sit at the table, have some coffee and talk about what happened between him and Danneel.

Jensen looks up at Jared with so much sensitivity that Jared wonders will his friend be able to tell the story he just experienced.
He grabs each of them a coffee mug and pours the hot brown liquid into each mug.  Jared goes to the fridge and takes out the milk to add to his coffee.  He puts away the milk.  When he turns to hand Jensen his coffee, he notices Jensen is just staring back at him, not really seeing him.

Jared thinks, God, it’s worse than I thought. 

Jensen wraps his hands around the mug and takes a sip, moaning at the delicious hot liquid in his mouth.

Jensen places the cup back on the table.  Looking up at Jared, he sees the hope in his eyes.  He feels his chest tighten, knowing that things will get better, but right now, it’s like the end of the world.

 “Jen, are you okay? Can you tell me what happened?”

“Jare, she broke it off with me.  I thought everything was going well.”

“Really?  You thought things were going well?”  Jared sighs as he bites his bottom lip knowing that Jensen hates to talk about his feelings.

Jared can see Jensen sit back farther into his chair, take a deep sigh, and shake his head.

“No, I thought things have been off for some time now, but I never wanted to admit to myself that sooner or later it would come down like this.”

Tentatively Jared reaches across the table to place his hand on top of Jensen’s.  Jensen looks into Jared’s eyes and sees support, encouragement, and friendship through the connection.  Jensen laces their fingers together and squeezes his hand.  Trying to search for the strength he needs to get through this conversation with Jared.

Jensen breaks his connection with Jared and heads towards the liquor cabinet.  He grabs the tequila and pours it into another coffee mug and pours coffee into the mug as well.

Jared stares at his friend with concern.  Jared sighs and finds his voice.  “Jen.  Do you think you really need that?”

Jensen turns around with anger in his eyes, his nostrils flaring, and his fist clutching at his side.  He is surprised that Jared is asking him that when he knows where his mind set is right now.  Jensen wills himself to calm and relax to answer Jared’s question.

Jensen’s voice is shaking with fear at how far down he is.  “Yes, Jared, I do.”  Jensen croaks.  The tears are weighing heavily in his eyes until they are streaming down his face.

Jared gets up from his chair and embraces Jensen.  He hates to see Jensen so broken and hurt but he knows that drowning his sorrows with tequila is not going to help him in any way to get over this and move on.  Jared is afraid to tell Jensen that he doesn’t need the liquor.  He’s worried it will make things worse for Jensen and that Jensen will just sneak around behind Jared’s back to drink it when Jared’s asleep or if he’s left the house for some reason.

“Jen, first off, the liquor will help numb the pain, but it won’t fix how you feel and deal with this situation.  Take it from me.  I’ve been in your shoes.”

“Jared, I know, I just need it right now.  Help calm my nerves.”

Out of the corner of his eyes Jared notices Icarus walking towards them and rubbing up against Jensen’s legs offering comfort as best as the dog can for his owner.

Jared watches Jensen scratch behind his ears and sigh a few times trying to hold back the tears that want to resurface to the forefront.

Jensen sits back in the chair, places his elbows on the table, and cradles his face in his hands, mumbling…”she loves someone else.”  And finally breaks down.

Jared gets up and wraps his arm around Jensen’s shoulders and just holds him as Jensen releases the main and number one reason for his heartache.

Jared feels him relax under his arm and rubs his back in reassurance that things will work out in the end whether Jensen believes that at this time.

“Jen, you will love again.  Give it time.  Just keep your heart open to be loved again.”  Jared whispers into Jensen’s ear while comforting his best friend.

Chapter 3