Finding Love through Nature - Chapter 3

[yonkyu]

CHAPTER THREE

Jared – POV

The week is just about over and they will be going back to work to continue on the final season of Supernatural.  Jared watches his best friend add liquor to his morning cup of coffee.  He knows Jensen doesn’t need the alcohol but it seems to calm his nerves down at the start of the day.  Along with Jensen’s cup of coffee are his Newport cigarettes, which Jensen only smokes socially amongst his friends.

Jensen’s appetite has increased throughout the week and he has gained some weight, mostly in his face and abdomen.  It hurts to see the changes happening with Jensen, but it could be worse.   The only thing that Jared can’t change is how Jensen really feels about finding someone new to love and to love him back.

Jared has always felt that his connection to Jensen is deeper than friendship, even romantic, before his breakup with Genevieve.  Jared remembers telling Jensen that before the break up with Genevieve, he discovered that he was attracted to men.  Jared knows how supportive Jensen was regarding this information and never judged him for being gay in the long run.  Jared watches Jensen serve himself breakfast as he takes the time to relive that moment with Jensen.

Jared called Jensen up on a Saturday afternoon after his adventurous evening with Chad, his crazy and douchebag of a friend from House of Wax.  He loves Chad but sometimes the bar scene can be a bit too much.  Though the thing that has his mind racing is the fact that there were men hitting on him at the bar.  It surprised him when he felt flattered by their attention.  It gave Jared this weird happy feeling inside that a man had the ability to turn him on.  It took his breath away when one man asked Jared to dance with him.  They both bumped and grinded against each other and Jared was amazed at how his erection hardened on the dance floor.  Jared smiled at the thought and comfortable enough with himself to accept he is attracted to men.  He had the urge to share this revelation with someone and he thought of Jensen, his best friend in the whole world.  Jared wondered how the realization of emotion would be if Jensen felt the same in return.  Their friendship had always been one of a kind and Jared would not change it for the world.  He just hoped that Jensen would support him and maybe something more could come out of it for the both of them.  Jared always had this gut feeling that Jensen was afraid to admit the truth about his sexuality because of his strict upbringing.

"Hey Jen.  Can we talk and have a few beers?"

"Sure Jared.  Everything ok?"

"Yeah, just something important I would like to share with you."

"Not a problem.  I’ll have the beers ready."

Jared arrived at Jensen's house and walked right on in.  He headed towards the living room where he could hear the sound from the television.   Jensen was on the couch; two beer bottles were on the end table.

Jared grabbed a beer and sat on the couch and quietly watched the rest of Die Hard.

Jensen turned off the TV and turned to face Jared.

"What did you want to talk about?"  Jensen asked.

"Last night, at the bar, I – I realized that – um – I’m attracted to men.  I like men."  Jared said it in a rush like he was afraid what Jensen might do.

Jensen looked shocked, then he shook his head in acknowledgement at Jared’s words, Jared felt relieved that he told his best friend, and he supported him.

“Dude, that’s awesome.  I wish you the best.  I will support you all the way.” Jensen said with concern.

Jared was pleased to know Jensen would support him though this and sensed the concern written on his friend’s face.
“Jay, what – what about Gen?”

Blushing slightly, it dawned on him, he would have to talk with Genevieve about this somehow, though Jared had no clue how or when that would take place.

“Um – I’ll have to tell her.  Shit!  What am I going to tell her?”  He panicked about what that means for him and Gen.

“Hey, I’m here for you when it happens.” Jensen said and Jared relaxed.  Jensen’s hand tapped his leg in reassurance.

Jared has a smirk on his face when Jensen turns around to join him at the kitchen table with a full plate of pancakes, scrambled eggs, and bacon.  Oblivious, Jensen sits and dives right in.  Shaking his head, Jared leans back into his chair.

“Jen, do you really need all that food?”  Jared says, trying to be sensitive without hurting his friend or mentioning that he has gained weight.

“Yes, I do, Jared.  What’s wrong with the amount of food?” Jensen says staring daggers at Jared.

“Jensen, I think you need to watch the food intake.  It increased this week.”  Jared says, trying to avoid the whole situation regarding the weight gain.

Jensen swallows the mouthful and looks at Jared with accusations and hurt written all over his face.

“Jared, what are you trying to say?”

“Jensen, it’s time to get back into your workout routine.  Get back to your normal portion sizes.  It’s not healthy, man.” Jared says.  His heart flutters happily, he watches Jensen push the plate of food across the table with a trembling hand.

“Jared, I - I don’t know how.  All I think about is alcohol and how it’s numbing.  Food is my happy place, right now.  God, how will I move on?”  Jensen says, tears in his eyes.  When he blinks, the tears roll down his cheek.

Jared just wants to wipe away the tears with his thumbs while his hands cradle Jensen’s face, but he’s unsure if Jensen would allow it.

<~~~~>

Jared continues to watch Jensen increase the amount of liquor, smokes, and food he’s consuming.  He is at a loss at how to help his friend overcome his pain and fear of being hurt again.  Jared wishes Jensen would open his eyes, really look at him, and see Jared is what Jensen needs.

Jared knows Jensen is in a scary place right now and will soon realize that drinking, smoking, and eating are not the answer to make it better.  Jared has been watching Jensen since before the big break up.  He’s seen Jensen struggling with his self-identity and with what he wants out of life.  Jared also has this strange notion that Jensen is trying to show interest and subtle hints towards Jared in a way that would not be noticed by others.

Jared watches Jensen get his things together before he gets ready for bed.  Jensen is wearing his gray sweat pants that sit low on his waist and a white T-shirt so see-through that he should just throw it away.  His wire rimmed eyeglasses perch on his nose and he’s sitting on the couch with a script in his hands.  There is a bottle of beer and a shot of vodka on the coffee table in front of him.  Jensen occasionally uses the pen tucked behind his ear to make notes regarding an emotional or difficult scene.  He blinks his eyes and presses his lips together in deep thought as if the light bulb finally turned on.  He picks up the beer, lifts it to his lips, slowly tips it back and takes a sip.  He brings the bottle down slowly while Jared watches his Adam’s apple bob up and down while he swallows the golden liquid.  Jensen places the bottle down on the end table and looks up at Jared.

Jared is looking at him with concern and worry.  Jared can sense Jensen is heartbroken over the breakup and at a loss of what to do with himself.  He can see the change in Jensen’s body language, the worry he is putting himself through for coming to terms in his own way about the breakup.  Jared turns, seeing Jensen smile shyly at him, hopes his eyes express, understanding knowledge, of what he is going through at the moment.  There is an unfamiliar, emotion, bubbling up in the room, the feeling of caring for each other than simple friends ought to.

Jared smiles back at Jensen and nods his head slightly, indicating that he got Jensen’s unspoken message.  Jared gets this warm flip-flop feeling in his gut that Jensen is letting himself be his true self at this very moment.  Jared can see that it slightly freaks Jensen out regarding this new thought.

Jared watches Jensen get up and take the beer bottle and shot with him towards the sink.  Jared looks on in amusement as to what Jensen will do with the one thing that is getting him through this break up.

Jensen stands in front of the sink with this look of wonder and confusion as what he should do next.  Jensen takes both hands and pours the liquor down the drain and watches with realization that things will get better slowly but surely.

Jensen turns around and looks at Jared with defeat and sadness.

“Hey Jared.  I’m sorry.”  He says, exhaustion taking a toll on him.

Jared can see the wetness in his eyes and Jensen walks up to him and brings him into a hug.

Jared holds on to him, never wants to let him go, feeling the relief wash over Jensen.  He doesn’t know what comes over him, but he tentatively moves his hand up and down Jensen’s back, in a comforting way.

Jared holds on as tight as Jensen does and finds comfort in the hug.  He is happy that he is able to help and support his friend overcome this darkness in his life.  Jared feels a soft moan rising up in his throat trying to break free, but holds it in afraid it could scare off Jensen, with what it could mean between them.  Jared knows for sure that expressing his feelings for Jensen now would only freak Jensen out in the long run.  Despite the fact that Jensen is comforting him, compared to the other way around.  It’s nice to know that Jensen, in this one moment of time, is in some way expressing his feelings through touch.

<~~~~>

As the months roll on, Jared continues to watch Jensen add some liquor to his morning coffee but only a small amount.  Jensen continues to smoke along with his coffee, but only in the morning.

Jared just worries because Jensen’s appetite is the only matter that hasn’t changed over the last few months.  He still eats more than his fair share and Jared helplessly watches the weight pack on Jensen’s once well-muscled, sculpted body.  It angers Jared to his core that he is not able to get through to Jensen that he needs to get back on his workout routine and cut back on the portion sizes he is scooping onto his plate.  It wouldn’t hurt him to lay of the junk food as well.  When Jensen gets home, he makes a three-scoop sundae with hot fudge, caramel sauce, whipped cream, and four cherries on top.  At work during lunch time, Jensen is more likely to choose carbs, like white breads, pizza, and anything pasta-related.   It’s all about the comfort food for Jensen.
Jared wonders how he should bring it up to Jensen that the weight he has gained is not very healthy and many health issues can arise with all the extra added weight to his body frame.  Jensen needs to be careful that the producers won’t notice the change that is occurring right in front of them.

Watching Jensen in the dressing room getting ready to be Dean, he sees Jensen struggle to button up his favorite faded blue jeans.  Jensen sighs deeply in frustration until he finally gets his pants buttoned.  Jensen grabs his plaid shirt and takes a deep sharp breath in because the arms and body of the shirt fit tightly on his body compared to a loose, comfortable fit.  Jensen just shakes his head with frustration.

Jared waits for the right moment to clap Jensen on the shoulder and squeeze it gently.

Jensen looks up at Jared, locking their eyes.  Jensen takes a deep breath and pushes it out slowly.

“Jared, I can’t fit in Dean’s, well, my clothes.  God, look at me, what have I done to myself?”  He growls, while shoving his hands through his hair.

“Jensen, I know. It’ll be okay.  Let’s start up a workout routine and slowly cut back on the carbs,” Jared says, determined to show Jensen his full support.  Jared is eager to help his friend get back to his old self again, and regain his self-confidence and joyful life.

Jared pauses to see how Jensen will react to that.  Jared sees a look of understanding slowly creep over Jensen’s face, as Jensen nods his head in agreement.  Jared smiles because he notices that Jensen’s cheeks are pink with a hint of embarrassment.

Jared continues to squeeze Jensen’s shoulder to reassure him that in the end things will get easier and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Jensen wraps his arms around Jared’s warm and inviting body.  He trembles and shivers in Jared’s arms.  Jensen leans his body back to show Jared that he is ready to be released.  Jensen looks up with hope, determination, faith, love, and some of that self-confidence he lost all those months ago to some girl that truly never loved Jensen the way he deserved to be loved.

Jensen steps back and puts on a smile that has not appeared on his beautiful face in some time.

In that moment Jared feels their connection rekindle and he finds the determined, strength from his friend, that what he’s about to share his deepest thoughts with Jared.

“Jared, please help me.  I can’t believe I did this to myself.  God, I have great friends and family, look at what I have done to them.  I am sorry for making you worry so much about me.  Thank you for being there and helping me see the light, even though I didn’t want to see it.  It’s like I needed proof that I let myself go to shit and not care about myself.  I do care!  I want to get better. I want to stop smoking and drinking.  I need to take better care of myself, I must have put on like 30 pounds in 6 months.  I like the workout routine, I could really use a pick me up.  And as for finding love, I will find it, when the moment is right for me to have it again.”

Jared stands there looking at Jensen with confidence, determination, and support to help his best friend find his balance and core that is Jensen Ackles.  Jensen is the only person in the world he loves with all his heart.  Jared hopes in the near future, Jensen will know about his love for him.  Jared can see that he is clearly oblivious to it.

Jensen – POV

Jensen takes a deep, sharp breath in, and blushes at the thought and knowledge he is seeing in Jared’s demeanor that things are looking up from here.  He can’t quite recognize all the emotions Jared is expressing to him but understands that Jared truly does love and care for him and only has his best interests at heart.

Standing in front of Jared like this, Jensen feels open and vulnerable, though he also feels safe, comfortable, and more connected to Jared than he thought was possible.  Jensen knows that Jared has gone through a similar breakup and he supported Jared’s climb out of the dark hole that was trying to swallow him up.  Sadly Jensen can finally see the here and now that Jared is trying to make him see what the break up toll is doing to him physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Jensen feels a warm, bubbly sensation, deep within him that he never thought possible with Jared until now.  Jensen gets these butterflies in his belly when Jared holds him in his arms because Jensen can’t take the overwhelming emotions that rack through his body.  The touch is nice, relaxing, and comfortable; a touch he isn’t sure that he should be experiencing with his best friend.

Jensen has always thought there was something more to their friendship but he just can’t pinpoint what it could be or mean for the both of them.

Jensen’s heart races when he gets too close to Jared, even when filming.  The need to be close to Jared, and within touching distance seems to drive him.  He always feels more relaxed when Jared is nearby.  Jensen blushes when Jared makes comments, positive feedback regarding a scene, or even a small look or gesture in his direction and it makes him wriggle in his pants.  Jensen feels that Jared understands what is going on between them though he is reluctant to share with him.  It’s as if Jared is waiting for Jensen to discover it for himself.

Jensen understands some of the feelings he has for Jared, though it scares him because he has never acted on any of his bisexual urges.  Jensen has always had some hope and faith that he would get the courage and ask Jared out whether Jared liked men or not.    Jensen feels a deeper connection with Jared that has strengthen their bond and friendship.  The love they have for one another is blinding that neither one of them wants things between them to change.  Jensen can’t seem to understand why Jared would fall for him, though he knows why he could fall for Jared.

Jared – POV

Jared squeezes Jensen’s shoulder again with a smile on his face as he watches Jensen blush at the intimate moment between them.  Jared hopes the message got across to Jensen that things will work out in the end and that the “true” Jensen can finally come out and play and be happy with his choices in life.

Jared feels his own face blush at the thought and hopes Jensen sees what he does to him even if Jensen is just opening his eyes for the first time.  He is excited to watch Jensen turn his life around and finally go after all his hopes and dreams, even if those dreams were always in front of their faces the whole time.

Chapter 4