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selimnagisokrov
Title: Confessions of the Heart – An Apple-Pie Life
Author:yonkyu
Giftee:selimnagisokrov
Beta:marchia43, Thank you for all your help and support.
Pairing: Sam/Deam
Warnings: Domestic Bliss, Sam Mpreg, Kidfic, Mentions of knife, self-pain, emotional confession, Sam POV
Giftee Prompt: Jared/Sam being domestic - making family dinners, providing stability in a changing lifestyle (Winchester-verse), kissing owies and making the hurts go away. 1950s-Sam/Jared without the 1950s in a sense.
Summary: Sam and Dean are living their dream that neither one thought they would finally have. Sam saved his brother, they have a child, and another child on the way. Does Sam help Dean find his way at overcoming his emotions to live the dream he secretly shared and hoped for along with Sam? Sam would like to think so, even if it’s still a struggle.
A/N: I apologize for being so late in giving my giftee their story that was due for the Holiday, but I wanted to make sure it was the way I wanted to express it. It’s better late than never. I hope you like it!!!! Thank you tomajestic_duxk, sylvanwitch, ilikecrystals, and marchia43 - for helping me get my story to where it needed to be; to tell the story I wanted to tell. Thanks for being my amazing cheerleaders!!!
This was written for the Secret Santa Challenge on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
mpregwinchester.
Confessions of the Heart – An Apple-Pie Life
~~~~
~~~~
Sam sits back in the black leather recliner, holding a large glass of orange juice. It amazes him that he owns a Cape style house, has a two-year old son, and another child on the way. He grins ear to ear at the thought of having this “normal” life with his brother. That they get normal despite all they've gone through over the years.
Saving his brother from the Mark of Cain and the demon that rode in his meat-suit, brought life into perspective. They each would have been lost – a shell of the person they once were by agreeing to be Lucifer and the Knight of Hell. Neither one of them could have thought the demons winning their hearts and soul. That their deepest, darkest, and most secret desires always be hidden and never be discovered if they truly became what they were destined to be. Sam should have known otherwise, most secrets come to the surface whether a person wants those to be out in the open or not.
Sam beams, as his heart swells with love and affection; Dean is letting down the walls and expressing himself for the first time in years. Dean’s view on family is deeper than Sam could even process, and the compulsion to fight for his family overwhelms him; why did Sam never look past the walls he knew so well, were there in Dean?
Sam sips at his orange juice as the memory of the conversation with his brother and it warms his heart to have a front row seat, watching Dean, break down the massive walls he bonds over the years.
It’s been six months since Sam saved Dean, when Dean shyly walks up to Sam in the library. Dean coughed nervously to catch his brother’s attention. Sam looked up from the book he was reading and smiled at Dean’s awkwardness, but he knew something was weighing heavily on his brother’s mind.
Dean sat across the long oak table from Sam and began to fiddle with his calloused fingers. Despite the cold of the room, Sam watched beads of sweat appear on his brother’s forehead, cheeks, and neck. Sam waited patiently; waited for Dean to make his move, but Dean continued to look at his hands, all the while shifting his body and clenching his fists into tight balls on top of the table.
Sam waited, but Dean said nothing.
“Dean, what’s wrong?” Sam eventually asked hesitantly, voice filled with concern.
“Sam, I – I need to talk to you.” He wasn’t able to look at Sam when he spoke; taking a deep breath, Dean attempted to calm himself before he continued.
“I – um – I – I’m not actually sure where to start.”
Even as Sam watched he went back to staring at his twisting hands.
“Dean, can you look at me?” He said sternly.
Dean kept his head down and raised his eyes to peer at Sam – looking for answers; he’s not ready for. When Dean focused his search for clues, Sam continued.
“What’s this all about?”
Sam knew his brother had a hard time expressing himself, but this, watching Dean, struggle to find the right words was like torture. Sam sat quietly as he contemplated what he should do next. He saw the tears in Dean’s eyes when their eyes locked as Dean fidgeted in his seat, unable to meet Sam’s gaze, sitting there raw and exposed like an open invitation to his weakness and fractured heart.
What he wanted was to take Dean into his arms and hug him tightly, enough to stop the turmoil that pulsed through his brother’s exhausted body. Sam wanted to reassure Dean that he would always be there for him.
“I’m – I – I’m sorry, Sam.” The words were broken, his voice cracked, as he whispered, “I’m sorry for everything we've been through all these years together.”
Dean stopped and took a shuddering breath before he began again.
“And I know I haven’t always made the right choice. Hell, I probably never made a right choice, Sam. I screwed us both up pretty well for years, and look where it got us. I did a horrible job with you, and I –" He shook his head in disappointment, shrugging his shoulders, “God, Sam, I was a selfish bastard, so selfish. Couldn't let you go, couldn't let you die in peace, and I let the worst thing happen to you. I let a God damn angel possess your body and you almost died…all because I was selfish and always had to do things my way.” Dean paused again, wincing as if in pain. “I’m sorry.”
Sam knew how Dean hated chick flick moments and how hard it was for him to open up, let Sam see him raw and immature, he reached over to his brother’s clenched fist, and used his thumb to soothe Dean. As Dean relaxed at the familiar touch, Sam made encouraging noises. He watched as a single tear slid unchecked down Dean’s cheek and he shook his head roughly.
“I forgot what being family was all about. Forgot what it means. Forgot what you mean to me, Sammy, and I’m – I’m sorry I did that to you. I took your choice away, like always. I was wrong.”
“Dean.” Sam utters the word; it’s a prayer, from deep within him. It’s filled with his need to help his brother. It offered to forgive and forget so easily, but Dean rejected it, focused on his speech, like he had to get out the words, before he broke down completely, losing the strength of courage.
“I want to thank you, Sam, for saving my worthless ass. I can’t believe after all I put you through, you were even willing to save me. I’m – I’m grateful. Especially with how you felt” Dean paused, reached for his pocket knife, to anchor himself before he went on. “You – you know, the ‘we’re not brothers, only business partners’ thing, so thank you.”
Dean opened the blade, applied pressure, while he moved it across his hand. He sucked in a harsh breath and shook his head. Sam wanted to say something, but he wasn’t finished yet. Dean dragged the blade across his flesh, the blood pooling into his palm, he finally looked up at him, bitterly broken, as he spat out the rest, “God, it hurt like a bitch when you said that. It ripped me right to the core, and I couldn’t believe what you said! I thought we could get through anything and it was the first time that I felt like maybe…maybe we couldn’t.”
Sam gasped, “Dean, I never meant-,”
Dean leaped to his feet and the chair loudly smashed against the floor, the sudden move and noise, cutting him off, Sam stared as his brother stood on wobbly legs, although his palms were firmly planted on the oak table.
“Shut up, Sam! Just – just let me finish.” Dean took in a deep breath for courage and forced himself to finish what he needed to tell Sam. “I – you need to understand. I had to prove to you that we were still brothers, still family, who needed each other. Who were willing to fight for each other-" Dean shook his head and picked up the fallen knife from the table. He made another incision on his palm, but this time, pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, he wrapped his hand tightly. As Sam hesitantly watched, a small smile formed on his face, “I wanted you to be happy, and I realized I deserve to be happy too. It wasn't until I got rid of the Mark of Cain. And my demon,” he added painfully, “that I realized I deserve to be happy, and that we've always been a family. I had to become-" He stepped away from Sam, his eyes tight shut, breathing fast, Dean opened his eyes, shame clearly written on his face, he stepped forward, “I had to become a demon before I realized I wanted to live, have a life, with my brother, with… with the one I love with all my heart-“ He paused, fear getting the better of him, Dean leaned forward, closer to Sam, until their foreheads met, “I needed to make those stupid mistakes. It wasn't until I was, pushed over the edge, that I could even share this with you!”
“Dean…” Sam shakily drew in a breath at Dean’s words. Sitting here with his brother, it dawned on him, in this moment of vulnerability; it was the same for him. The love he had for his brother was the same, but Sam never took the time to see it for what it was worth. The bond had always been there between them. He took them for granted. It took Dean to become a demon, be cured, this conversation, for him to realize, he loved his brother as well.
“Sammy, I never thought I would ever say, I love you. Or that, I’m in love with you.”
“Dean, I’m – I’m not sure…I don’t even know what to say.”
Dean smiled and playfully punched him in the shoulder. “Sam, I’m not expecting anything in return. I’m glad we have each other.”
Sam shook his head, “Dean, we always had each other. Well then we took it all for granted and forgot what it meant to be brothers.” A smile crept over his face at the truth of those words.
Dean stepped back and twisted the knife in his hand. He looked everywhere, but at Sam, until a grin crept up his face, he locked his gaze with Sam, Dean continued, “I think – I think it’s time to stop hunting. I never thought I would want to stop. I want to find my own path in life, instead of the need and want to protect you. No matter the consequences. We deserve it, Sammy.”
Sam held his breath, pushed it out slowly, grinned ear to ear, “Dean, it’s about damn time. You should have realized this a long time ago. I've been telling you that for years!”
“Sam.” Dean said, he rolled his eyes in true Dean - fashion, though the joy radiated off his brother like no tomorrow.
Sam saw the ashamed blush color Dean’s cheeks at the known truth and knowledge his words meant for his brother. Sam knew Dean just came to realize the hard love he gave his brother over the years, but more specifically, the hard lies that controlled their every move, thought, and decision. Though, having a front row seat of Dean expressing himself, to the one person he feared of telling his true desires, was something Sam never thought he would ever see. The warmth he felt blossom in his chest at witnessing, Dean’s realizations in life, for himself, and what it meant to be, Dean Winchester, stupid-ass, big brother, with the biggest heart in the world for those he loved. All through the hated, chick-flick moment; his brother initiated in the first place.
Sam stood up on his wobbly legs; he’s floored at what he was given, the heart and soul of his brother. He kept their foreheads pressed together, as he began to get his own emotions out on the table, literally.
“Dean, I never meant to hurt you by saying ‘we weren't brothers anymore,’ I needed you to know what your mistakes were doing to us. I needed you to understand where I was coming from and wanted you to know that your own life is as important as my own.”
Dean leaned back, to gaze upon his brother. He could see the understanding and love, shine brightly back at him. Dean felt the strength radiate from his brother, to stay open and share his feelings. He wanted his brother to be proud of him, for finding his own path in life – for seeing how worthy he truly is for the one he loves.
“Yeah, I’m beginning to see that. I do matter. My heart aches that I never felt this before until now.” Dean said with pure, raw emotion. Dean grabbed the knife and stabbed it into the oak table. His feelings were getting the best of him now, but Sam was learning so much about Dean that his own heart ached at the need to comfort and protect him, like he had always comforted and protected Sam, for years.
“I would have to agree with you, Dean. It’s time to stop hunting, find out what path we should be on, and make our love and devotion stronger between us. Find the meaning of family, again.”
The glare Dean shot at him was filled with hope to make a difference between them, even if it’s a little too late in the end. It comforted Sam’s heart. Dean had changed and saw himself for the first time for who he truly was. A family man. A man who would fight for his family. A soldier. The man Sam always saw growing up, his hero, and his big brother.
“And, yes, Dean. I do love you the same way you love me. I never stopped to register my feelings for you, until you put it in my face. I’m happy to see where our relationship can go from here on out.”
The grin from ear to ear of pure joy and hope radiates in volumes off of Dean, at the words being spoken, and the hope for a deeper relationship with his brother.
Dean stood up, pushed the chair back, which caught his brother’s attention, from his daydreaming. Sam felt Dean’s breathe on his face and his smooth lips upon his temple, closing the deal for the future.
The slam of the door and heavy footsteps against the hardwood floor brings Sam out of his reverie. He feels warm, smooth lips, against his temple, and shines with anticipation for more. Sam turns his head towards Dean’s presence and catches his lips before his brother can do or say anything. He can feel the shiver run through Dean’s body at the chaste kiss, smiles as he leans his forehead against Dean.
“I’m home. I brought dinner. Um…where’s Johnny?”
“Welcome home, dear. What you get? He’s building blocks near the window.”
Sam waits for the remark to come with a knowing grin on his face.
“I’m not your dear, bitch.”
“Yeah, you are, jerk.”
The glare Dean sends in his direction at the playful banter, makes him laugh, while Dean peers over his brother’s head to see their son building a large creation with the Lego set Dean picked out a few months ago.
“I got beef, vegetables, and broth. Thought you could make your famous beef soup.”
“Dean Winchester, my love, my heart’s desire. I’ll get started on dinner. Want to watch Johnny and see what he’s making.”
Sam giggles, as the deep growl escapes his brother’s mouth, knowing full well it annoys the hell out of Dean. Though Dean gets him back every time.
“All my love for you, my dear. I’ll see what our son is making over there.” Complete with his famous eye roll and shake of his head.
The warmth of love and devotion bursting through his entire body shines bright at Dean being a family man and for them being domestic after all these years. It shocks him to his core the way he fell in love with Dean the way he had; once it was put directly in his face. Dean surprisingly courted him like a true gentleman. He never saw Dean act or treat any other human being in this fashion. Dean took his time to truly get to know Sam all over again. He took him out on dates and never pushed his brother into anything he wasn’t ready for. Sam knew Dean loved him and would be the first to say these words, but he knew, deep down in his heart, it would be him.
Sam walks to the kitchen, gathers his pots in the lower cabinets, and places them on the stove. He is overjoyed by his cooking skills and finding this recipe for his so-called famous beef soup according to Dean. It’s the healthiest meal his brother loves so much. Sam laughs at how Dean, fits right into the domestic life they have created together. He wonders if this side of Dean has always been there, inside, ready to be explored. Sam knows it’s an honor to be with Dean since the famous confession.
Sam will never understand why Dean did it in the first place. Though, he’s happy to know Dean found himself on his own, without the help of others. Watching Dean; express himself to Sam, making friends, and surprisingly, going back to school.
The warmth spreads across his cheeks, shaking his head, when Dean sends the application to an online Bachelor’s Program for Mechanical Engineering; while he sends an application for Criminal Justice. Sam smiles, knowing they are living their lives the way they should have been living a long time ago. Even more so, for Dean, since he never had a life of his own from the beginning.
He handles the bags Dean placed on the island in the kitchen to whip up his famous soup for his family. Taking out the packaged beef, he takes his handy hunter’s knife to cut it into cubes. Sam holds the knife with ease, making rough edge cutting cubes of beef. Swiftly tossing them into the large pot.
Quickly washing all the vegetables Dean chose for the soup, he chops them up with accurate measures, like a true professional. He adds them into the pot. Sam pours the broth and waits for the soup to boil.
Grabbing the silverware for the table and cleaning up his mess with a mental blueprint of his sanctuary. Sam claimed the kitchen while Dean has the garage, a prefect picture of their natures, on self-discovery.
In the background, he can hear Dean and Johnny building with the blocks, knocking them over, and his boys belly laughing over the noise. The carefree joy and happiness coming from his brother is a sound and sight he never thought he would see. Grateful, his brother became a demon and was saved by the one person he thought never needed him from the beginning. The fact it was their son, a miracle neither one thought was a possibility, but realizing Meg left him a gift after she possessed him, he surely will never regret. It gave him his son, their son, and the family he never thought he always was hoping for. It was Johnny, who made their connection and relationship stronger, more open; emotionally. Sam never hides the passion and love for Dean, no matter the situation.
He reaches for the ears of corn and begins to husk them for the soup. Suddenly, a loud, crash is emitted from the living room where Dean and Johnny are playing. He runs into the room, the blocks scattered across the floor, Johnny holds his small hand against his head while Dean picks up his son. Johnny, flailing his arms and legs, in his brother’s hold screams “Daddy!”
The disappointment flickers in Dean’s eyes and facial features, as their eyes meet each other. Dean closes the gap and passes Johnny over to Sam, the hurt etched on his tired face. Sam accepts his son from Dean, as Dean, whisper’s into his son’s small ear, “Daddy has you, now.” The sadness and sorrow radiating from his lover hurts to see, but worse is to feel it in his soul. It pain’s him to watch Dean continue to feel self-conscious about his son’s love for him. Always needing reassurance that Johnny loves his Pop, Dean.
Every time Johnny gets upset or hurt he only wants Daddy to comfort him. Sam loves how Johnny calls Dean - Pop, but feels the rejection that Dean feels when their son doesn’t seek comfort from him too.
“Daddy has you.” Sam whispers.
“I’m gonna head to the garage, I’ll be back soon.” Dean says with a sigh.
Sam watches his lover turn around his shoulders slumped in defeat, as he heads towards the garage, Dean’s sanctuary. It’s a place Dean spends time to gather his thoughts and release some of his frustrations of the day. The bang of metal vibrating through the room makes him wince. Sam knows that this is how Dean reacts to the pain he feels when Johnny pushes him away. Though, he sometimes wishes he knew what Dean was doing in there most of the time. Sam was glad Dean has a place to go to be himself, even if it’s away from his family.
Sam wishes he knew what to say to Dean and remind him that their son loves him and needs him in his own way. Sam’s not blind; he knows Dean wants to be the best father he can be for his son, despite what kind of father he had. He wants what’s best for his son and family, stability, and safety. Though he feels useless when trying to protect and be a safe haven for their son. Like Father, Like Son; but Sam doesn’t want to bring their father into the situation. Dean isn’t like him and never will be, but because of him, Dean still has a hard time dealing with his emotions. A part of him, knowing the lack of emotion from Dean, is why Johnny can’t seek the comfort he needs from Dean, because of the mixed emotions pulsing through Dean.
Sam bounces his son gently and rubs his hand in small circles on his son’s back. Johnny sucks his thumb, just like his Pop did when he was younger. Johnny, may look like Sam, with his long, floppy brown hair, his long, lanky limbs, and hazel-green eyes. He has Dean’s freckles, smiles, and his attitude.
Sam moves Johnny onto his hip and looks at his head where his son’s hand was moments before. He can still hear the clink and clank of the metal in the garage, though the volume and sound has decreased to smooth, pounds of the hammer against the metal.
“Daddy, owie.” He says, pointing to his forehead.
A large, red mark, and a small egg, extends from his forehead. He leans towards his son and places, butterfly kisses to the area.
“Boo-boo kisses, all better now.”
“Owie, better.”
Walking with his son settled on his hip, due to discovering he is pregnant again at his doctor’s appointment that morning. It’s a shock because they weren’t trying or quite ready for another child, but he’s very excited to share the news with his family. He hopes Dean will be excited about it as much as he is, though after their little incident with Johnny, he’s not so sure how the reaction will be.
Sam heads towards the freezer and pulls out a frozen sponge, wraps it up in a paper towel, and places it on his son’s ‘owie’.
“Daddy, where Pop?”
“Pop went to the garage. He’ll be back.”
“Oh, I want Pop Daddy!”
Out of the corner of his eye Sam notices Dean who is standing in the doorway of the kitchen; his hands in his pocket and looking towards the floor, but peeking at his son and lover interacting. Sam turns around, facing Dean and with a slight nod of understanding, whispers into his son’s ear. Johnny whips his face towards Dean with a huge grin on his face, shouting “Pop!”
Sam relaxes, at the sight, to see the love reflecting in Dean’s eyes, over being needed from their son. Dean steps forward and embraces his family, whispering, “I’m here. Pop, is here.”
“Yay!!” Johnny shouts.
Sam lets out his breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Johnny holds out his hands, makes grabby fists towards Dean, as he transfers Johnny into Dean’s arms. He gazes into his brother’s eyes, to acknowledge that their son needs him too.
Sam waits for the bomb shell to occur to Dean, on how he was holding their son in his arms. Usually he holds his son against his belly, but with finding out they were going to have another child in six months, Johnny had to be placed on his hip.
“Sam?” Dean asks, with confusion and anxious about the unusual hold.
“Um, Dean, I had a physical today, and well, everything went well. Though, I found out I was three-months pregnant, we’re going to have another baby.” Sam says, trying to hold off the excitement.
“Really? Sammy, I can’t believe it.” Dean says, shock and pure excitement, evident on his face.
“Yeah, Dean. We’ll be adding a new addition in October.”
Sam doesn’t have time to react or think about the emotions pulsing through him and his family. It’s the feel of warm lips pressed against his in a heated passionate kiss. The kiss speaks louder than any words Dean could use to express himself about anything really. A kiss says it all, right? I want that baby too! I want our family to stay together. I want you so badly.
Sam smiles into the kiss and hears the giggles of their two-year old son. He can feel Dean’s lip grow into a smile, the small rumbles of laughter making its way through Dean’s body. They are laughing, truly laughing, breathing and he knows everything will be okay.
“Daddy. Pop. I want a baby sister, please.”
They all laugh even harder. Sam is hoping for a girl. A girl with Dean’s freckles, hair color and his big-wide green eyes. The laughter completes them.
Later on; Dean takes Johnny to bed. Sam slowly walks up the stairs to listen to the end of the story that Dean is telling to a very sleepy boy.
“So then after Daddy loses the rabbit’s foot, he looks at me and says ‘I lost my shoe’...”
The little boy sleepily laughs and Sam knows he is about to fall asleep.
Sam pushes open the door to Johnny’s room and peaks inside. The boy is snuggled down in his bed, just the tufts of his hair visible. Dean is perched on the side of the small bed, gazing lovingly at their son.
He moves into the room, squatting down next to his brother, leaning up against his back to whisper quietly into Dean’s ear, “Let’s go; he’s going to be asleep soon.”
Dean leans forward and kisses the top of Johnny’s head.
“I love you Pop.” Is sleepily spoken from under the covers.
“I love you too.” Dean says as he rises and follows Sam out of the room.
Leaving the door slightly ajar and the night light on Dean looks at Sam and says, “It’s been a long day; let’s relax in bed and talk.”
Never one to miss a chance to sit quietly with Dean, Sam rushes down stairs to lock up the house and make sure the TV is off. Something they always forget to shut off at night.
Walking into their bedroom Sam stops to look as Dean takes his clothes off and scoots into bed. He rests his body up against the headboard and looks expectantly at Sam.
“Clothes off big boy.” He says laughing.
Sam quickly removes his clothes and jumps into bed, leans over to kiss Dean hard and fast. As he leans back, he beams at Dean’s expression. Love shines from his eyes.
“So baby number two. Are you happy about this?” Sam asks nervously.
“Of course I’m happy.” Dean says. “A brother or sister for Johnny is going to be great. It’ll be great for Johnny. It’ll be great for us.”
“You know I love you very much and having another baby is going to be great. I’m hoping for a girl, that way you can chase away potential boyfriends.” Sam says, laughing.
Dean leans over to kiss Sam again, while Sam scoots down onto the bed. He wraps his arms around Dean as they continue to love each other.
They are together. Happy in a life they both had always secretly wanted. Now they have their apple-pie life!
selimnagisokrovTitle: Confessions of the Heart – An Apple-Pie Life
Author:
yonkyuGiftee:
selimnagisokrovBeta:
marchia43, Thank you for all your help and support. Pairing: Sam/Deam
Warnings: Domestic Bliss, Sam Mpreg, Kidfic, Mentions of knife, self-pain, emotional confession, Sam POV
Giftee Prompt: Jared/Sam being domestic - making family dinners, providing stability in a changing lifestyle (Winchester-verse), kissing owies and making the hurts go away. 1950s-Sam/Jared without the 1950s in a sense.
Summary: Sam and Dean are living their dream that neither one thought they would finally have. Sam saved his brother, they have a child, and another child on the way. Does Sam help Dean find his way at overcoming his emotions to live the dream he secretly shared and hoped for along with Sam? Sam would like to think so, even if it’s still a struggle.
A/N: I apologize for being so late in giving my giftee their story that was due for the Holiday, but I wanted to make sure it was the way I wanted to express it. It’s better late than never. I hope you like it!!!! Thank you to
majestic_duxk, sylvanwitch, ilikecrystals, and marchia43 - for helping me get my story to where it needed to be; to tell the story I wanted to tell. Thanks for being my amazing cheerleaders!!!This was written for the Secret Santa Challenge on
mpregwinchester.Confessions of the Heart – An Apple-Pie Life
~~~~
~~~~
Sam sits back in the black leather recliner, holding a large glass of orange juice. It amazes him that he owns a Cape style house, has a two-year old son, and another child on the way. He grins ear to ear at the thought of having this “normal” life with his brother. That they get normal despite all they've gone through over the years.
Saving his brother from the Mark of Cain and the demon that rode in his meat-suit, brought life into perspective. They each would have been lost – a shell of the person they once were by agreeing to be Lucifer and the Knight of Hell. Neither one of them could have thought the demons winning their hearts and soul. That their deepest, darkest, and most secret desires always be hidden and never be discovered if they truly became what they were destined to be. Sam should have known otherwise, most secrets come to the surface whether a person wants those to be out in the open or not.
Sam beams, as his heart swells with love and affection; Dean is letting down the walls and expressing himself for the first time in years. Dean’s view on family is deeper than Sam could even process, and the compulsion to fight for his family overwhelms him; why did Sam never look past the walls he knew so well, were there in Dean?
Sam sips at his orange juice as the memory of the conversation with his brother and it warms his heart to have a front row seat, watching Dean, break down the massive walls he bonds over the years.
It’s been six months since Sam saved Dean, when Dean shyly walks up to Sam in the library. Dean coughed nervously to catch his brother’s attention. Sam looked up from the book he was reading and smiled at Dean’s awkwardness, but he knew something was weighing heavily on his brother’s mind.
Dean sat across the long oak table from Sam and began to fiddle with his calloused fingers. Despite the cold of the room, Sam watched beads of sweat appear on his brother’s forehead, cheeks, and neck. Sam waited patiently; waited for Dean to make his move, but Dean continued to look at his hands, all the while shifting his body and clenching his fists into tight balls on top of the table.
Sam waited, but Dean said nothing.
“Dean, what’s wrong?” Sam eventually asked hesitantly, voice filled with concern.
“Sam, I – I need to talk to you.” He wasn’t able to look at Sam when he spoke; taking a deep breath, Dean attempted to calm himself before he continued.
“I – um – I – I’m not actually sure where to start.”
Even as Sam watched he went back to staring at his twisting hands.
“Dean, can you look at me?” He said sternly.
Dean kept his head down and raised his eyes to peer at Sam – looking for answers; he’s not ready for. When Dean focused his search for clues, Sam continued.
“What’s this all about?”
Sam knew his brother had a hard time expressing himself, but this, watching Dean, struggle to find the right words was like torture. Sam sat quietly as he contemplated what he should do next. He saw the tears in Dean’s eyes when their eyes locked as Dean fidgeted in his seat, unable to meet Sam’s gaze, sitting there raw and exposed like an open invitation to his weakness and fractured heart.
What he wanted was to take Dean into his arms and hug him tightly, enough to stop the turmoil that pulsed through his brother’s exhausted body. Sam wanted to reassure Dean that he would always be there for him.
“I’m – I – I’m sorry, Sam.” The words were broken, his voice cracked, as he whispered, “I’m sorry for everything we've been through all these years together.”
Dean stopped and took a shuddering breath before he began again.
“And I know I haven’t always made the right choice. Hell, I probably never made a right choice, Sam. I screwed us both up pretty well for years, and look where it got us. I did a horrible job with you, and I –" He shook his head in disappointment, shrugging his shoulders, “God, Sam, I was a selfish bastard, so selfish. Couldn't let you go, couldn't let you die in peace, and I let the worst thing happen to you. I let a God damn angel possess your body and you almost died…all because I was selfish and always had to do things my way.” Dean paused again, wincing as if in pain. “I’m sorry.”
Sam knew how Dean hated chick flick moments and how hard it was for him to open up, let Sam see him raw and immature, he reached over to his brother’s clenched fist, and used his thumb to soothe Dean. As Dean relaxed at the familiar touch, Sam made encouraging noises. He watched as a single tear slid unchecked down Dean’s cheek and he shook his head roughly.
“I forgot what being family was all about. Forgot what it means. Forgot what you mean to me, Sammy, and I’m – I’m sorry I did that to you. I took your choice away, like always. I was wrong.”
“Dean.” Sam utters the word; it’s a prayer, from deep within him. It’s filled with his need to help his brother. It offered to forgive and forget so easily, but Dean rejected it, focused on his speech, like he had to get out the words, before he broke down completely, losing the strength of courage.
“I want to thank you, Sam, for saving my worthless ass. I can’t believe after all I put you through, you were even willing to save me. I’m – I’m grateful. Especially with how you felt” Dean paused, reached for his pocket knife, to anchor himself before he went on. “You – you know, the ‘we’re not brothers, only business partners’ thing, so thank you.”
Dean opened the blade, applied pressure, while he moved it across his hand. He sucked in a harsh breath and shook his head. Sam wanted to say something, but he wasn’t finished yet. Dean dragged the blade across his flesh, the blood pooling into his palm, he finally looked up at him, bitterly broken, as he spat out the rest, “God, it hurt like a bitch when you said that. It ripped me right to the core, and I couldn’t believe what you said! I thought we could get through anything and it was the first time that I felt like maybe…maybe we couldn’t.”
Sam gasped, “Dean, I never meant-,”
Dean leaped to his feet and the chair loudly smashed against the floor, the sudden move and noise, cutting him off, Sam stared as his brother stood on wobbly legs, although his palms were firmly planted on the oak table.
“Shut up, Sam! Just – just let me finish.” Dean took in a deep breath for courage and forced himself to finish what he needed to tell Sam. “I – you need to understand. I had to prove to you that we were still brothers, still family, who needed each other. Who were willing to fight for each other-" Dean shook his head and picked up the fallen knife from the table. He made another incision on his palm, but this time, pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, he wrapped his hand tightly. As Sam hesitantly watched, a small smile formed on his face, “I wanted you to be happy, and I realized I deserve to be happy too. It wasn't until I got rid of the Mark of Cain. And my demon,” he added painfully, “that I realized I deserve to be happy, and that we've always been a family. I had to become-" He stepped away from Sam, his eyes tight shut, breathing fast, Dean opened his eyes, shame clearly written on his face, he stepped forward, “I had to become a demon before I realized I wanted to live, have a life, with my brother, with… with the one I love with all my heart-“ He paused, fear getting the better of him, Dean leaned forward, closer to Sam, until their foreheads met, “I needed to make those stupid mistakes. It wasn't until I was, pushed over the edge, that I could even share this with you!”
“Dean…” Sam shakily drew in a breath at Dean’s words. Sitting here with his brother, it dawned on him, in this moment of vulnerability; it was the same for him. The love he had for his brother was the same, but Sam never took the time to see it for what it was worth. The bond had always been there between them. He took them for granted. It took Dean to become a demon, be cured, this conversation, for him to realize, he loved his brother as well.
“Sammy, I never thought I would ever say, I love you. Or that, I’m in love with you.”
“Dean, I’m – I’m not sure…I don’t even know what to say.”
Dean smiled and playfully punched him in the shoulder. “Sam, I’m not expecting anything in return. I’m glad we have each other.”
Sam shook his head, “Dean, we always had each other. Well then we took it all for granted and forgot what it meant to be brothers.” A smile crept over his face at the truth of those words.
Dean stepped back and twisted the knife in his hand. He looked everywhere, but at Sam, until a grin crept up his face, he locked his gaze with Sam, Dean continued, “I think – I think it’s time to stop hunting. I never thought I would want to stop. I want to find my own path in life, instead of the need and want to protect you. No matter the consequences. We deserve it, Sammy.”
Sam held his breath, pushed it out slowly, grinned ear to ear, “Dean, it’s about damn time. You should have realized this a long time ago. I've been telling you that for years!”
“Sam.” Dean said, he rolled his eyes in true Dean - fashion, though the joy radiated off his brother like no tomorrow.
Sam saw the ashamed blush color Dean’s cheeks at the known truth and knowledge his words meant for his brother. Sam knew Dean just came to realize the hard love he gave his brother over the years, but more specifically, the hard lies that controlled their every move, thought, and decision. Though, having a front row seat of Dean expressing himself, to the one person he feared of telling his true desires, was something Sam never thought he would ever see. The warmth he felt blossom in his chest at witnessing, Dean’s realizations in life, for himself, and what it meant to be, Dean Winchester, stupid-ass, big brother, with the biggest heart in the world for those he loved. All through the hated, chick-flick moment; his brother initiated in the first place.
Sam stood up on his wobbly legs; he’s floored at what he was given, the heart and soul of his brother. He kept their foreheads pressed together, as he began to get his own emotions out on the table, literally.
“Dean, I never meant to hurt you by saying ‘we weren't brothers anymore,’ I needed you to know what your mistakes were doing to us. I needed you to understand where I was coming from and wanted you to know that your own life is as important as my own.”
Dean leaned back, to gaze upon his brother. He could see the understanding and love, shine brightly back at him. Dean felt the strength radiate from his brother, to stay open and share his feelings. He wanted his brother to be proud of him, for finding his own path in life – for seeing how worthy he truly is for the one he loves.
“Yeah, I’m beginning to see that. I do matter. My heart aches that I never felt this before until now.” Dean said with pure, raw emotion. Dean grabbed the knife and stabbed it into the oak table. His feelings were getting the best of him now, but Sam was learning so much about Dean that his own heart ached at the need to comfort and protect him, like he had always comforted and protected Sam, for years.
“I would have to agree with you, Dean. It’s time to stop hunting, find out what path we should be on, and make our love and devotion stronger between us. Find the meaning of family, again.”
The glare Dean shot at him was filled with hope to make a difference between them, even if it’s a little too late in the end. It comforted Sam’s heart. Dean had changed and saw himself for the first time for who he truly was. A family man. A man who would fight for his family. A soldier. The man Sam always saw growing up, his hero, and his big brother.
“And, yes, Dean. I do love you the same way you love me. I never stopped to register my feelings for you, until you put it in my face. I’m happy to see where our relationship can go from here on out.”
The grin from ear to ear of pure joy and hope radiates in volumes off of Dean, at the words being spoken, and the hope for a deeper relationship with his brother.
Dean stood up, pushed the chair back, which caught his brother’s attention, from his daydreaming. Sam felt Dean’s breathe on his face and his smooth lips upon his temple, closing the deal for the future.
The slam of the door and heavy footsteps against the hardwood floor brings Sam out of his reverie. He feels warm, smooth lips, against his temple, and shines with anticipation for more. Sam turns his head towards Dean’s presence and catches his lips before his brother can do or say anything. He can feel the shiver run through Dean’s body at the chaste kiss, smiles as he leans his forehead against Dean.
“I’m home. I brought dinner. Um…where’s Johnny?”
“Welcome home, dear. What you get? He’s building blocks near the window.”
Sam waits for the remark to come with a knowing grin on his face.
“I’m not your dear, bitch.”
“Yeah, you are, jerk.”
The glare Dean sends in his direction at the playful banter, makes him laugh, while Dean peers over his brother’s head to see their son building a large creation with the Lego set Dean picked out a few months ago.
“I got beef, vegetables, and broth. Thought you could make your famous beef soup.”
“Dean Winchester, my love, my heart’s desire. I’ll get started on dinner. Want to watch Johnny and see what he’s making.”
Sam giggles, as the deep growl escapes his brother’s mouth, knowing full well it annoys the hell out of Dean. Though Dean gets him back every time.
“All my love for you, my dear. I’ll see what our son is making over there.” Complete with his famous eye roll and shake of his head.
The warmth of love and devotion bursting through his entire body shines bright at Dean being a family man and for them being domestic after all these years. It shocks him to his core the way he fell in love with Dean the way he had; once it was put directly in his face. Dean surprisingly courted him like a true gentleman. He never saw Dean act or treat any other human being in this fashion. Dean took his time to truly get to know Sam all over again. He took him out on dates and never pushed his brother into anything he wasn’t ready for. Sam knew Dean loved him and would be the first to say these words, but he knew, deep down in his heart, it would be him.
Sam walks to the kitchen, gathers his pots in the lower cabinets, and places them on the stove. He is overjoyed by his cooking skills and finding this recipe for his so-called famous beef soup according to Dean. It’s the healthiest meal his brother loves so much. Sam laughs at how Dean, fits right into the domestic life they have created together. He wonders if this side of Dean has always been there, inside, ready to be explored. Sam knows it’s an honor to be with Dean since the famous confession.
Sam will never understand why Dean did it in the first place. Though, he’s happy to know Dean found himself on his own, without the help of others. Watching Dean; express himself to Sam, making friends, and surprisingly, going back to school.
The warmth spreads across his cheeks, shaking his head, when Dean sends the application to an online Bachelor’s Program for Mechanical Engineering; while he sends an application for Criminal Justice. Sam smiles, knowing they are living their lives the way they should have been living a long time ago. Even more so, for Dean, since he never had a life of his own from the beginning.
He handles the bags Dean placed on the island in the kitchen to whip up his famous soup for his family. Taking out the packaged beef, he takes his handy hunter’s knife to cut it into cubes. Sam holds the knife with ease, making rough edge cutting cubes of beef. Swiftly tossing them into the large pot.
Quickly washing all the vegetables Dean chose for the soup, he chops them up with accurate measures, like a true professional. He adds them into the pot. Sam pours the broth and waits for the soup to boil.
Grabbing the silverware for the table and cleaning up his mess with a mental blueprint of his sanctuary. Sam claimed the kitchen while Dean has the garage, a prefect picture of their natures, on self-discovery.
In the background, he can hear Dean and Johnny building with the blocks, knocking them over, and his boys belly laughing over the noise. The carefree joy and happiness coming from his brother is a sound and sight he never thought he would see. Grateful, his brother became a demon and was saved by the one person he thought never needed him from the beginning. The fact it was their son, a miracle neither one thought was a possibility, but realizing Meg left him a gift after she possessed him, he surely will never regret. It gave him his son, their son, and the family he never thought he always was hoping for. It was Johnny, who made their connection and relationship stronger, more open; emotionally. Sam never hides the passion and love for Dean, no matter the situation.
He reaches for the ears of corn and begins to husk them for the soup. Suddenly, a loud, crash is emitted from the living room where Dean and Johnny are playing. He runs into the room, the blocks scattered across the floor, Johnny holds his small hand against his head while Dean picks up his son. Johnny, flailing his arms and legs, in his brother’s hold screams “Daddy!”
The disappointment flickers in Dean’s eyes and facial features, as their eyes meet each other. Dean closes the gap and passes Johnny over to Sam, the hurt etched on his tired face. Sam accepts his son from Dean, as Dean, whisper’s into his son’s small ear, “Daddy has you, now.” The sadness and sorrow radiating from his lover hurts to see, but worse is to feel it in his soul. It pain’s him to watch Dean continue to feel self-conscious about his son’s love for him. Always needing reassurance that Johnny loves his Pop, Dean.
Every time Johnny gets upset or hurt he only wants Daddy to comfort him. Sam loves how Johnny calls Dean - Pop, but feels the rejection that Dean feels when their son doesn’t seek comfort from him too.
“Daddy has you.” Sam whispers.
“I’m gonna head to the garage, I’ll be back soon.” Dean says with a sigh.
Sam watches his lover turn around his shoulders slumped in defeat, as he heads towards the garage, Dean’s sanctuary. It’s a place Dean spends time to gather his thoughts and release some of his frustrations of the day. The bang of metal vibrating through the room makes him wince. Sam knows that this is how Dean reacts to the pain he feels when Johnny pushes him away. Though, he sometimes wishes he knew what Dean was doing in there most of the time. Sam was glad Dean has a place to go to be himself, even if it’s away from his family.
Sam wishes he knew what to say to Dean and remind him that their son loves him and needs him in his own way. Sam’s not blind; he knows Dean wants to be the best father he can be for his son, despite what kind of father he had. He wants what’s best for his son and family, stability, and safety. Though he feels useless when trying to protect and be a safe haven for their son. Like Father, Like Son; but Sam doesn’t want to bring their father into the situation. Dean isn’t like him and never will be, but because of him, Dean still has a hard time dealing with his emotions. A part of him, knowing the lack of emotion from Dean, is why Johnny can’t seek the comfort he needs from Dean, because of the mixed emotions pulsing through Dean.
Sam bounces his son gently and rubs his hand in small circles on his son’s back. Johnny sucks his thumb, just like his Pop did when he was younger. Johnny, may look like Sam, with his long, floppy brown hair, his long, lanky limbs, and hazel-green eyes. He has Dean’s freckles, smiles, and his attitude.
Sam moves Johnny onto his hip and looks at his head where his son’s hand was moments before. He can still hear the clink and clank of the metal in the garage, though the volume and sound has decreased to smooth, pounds of the hammer against the metal.
“Daddy, owie.” He says, pointing to his forehead.
A large, red mark, and a small egg, extends from his forehead. He leans towards his son and places, butterfly kisses to the area.
“Boo-boo kisses, all better now.”
“Owie, better.”
Walking with his son settled on his hip, due to discovering he is pregnant again at his doctor’s appointment that morning. It’s a shock because they weren’t trying or quite ready for another child, but he’s very excited to share the news with his family. He hopes Dean will be excited about it as much as he is, though after their little incident with Johnny, he’s not so sure how the reaction will be.
Sam heads towards the freezer and pulls out a frozen sponge, wraps it up in a paper towel, and places it on his son’s ‘owie’.
“Daddy, where Pop?”
“Pop went to the garage. He’ll be back.”
“Oh, I want Pop Daddy!”
Out of the corner of his eye Sam notices Dean who is standing in the doorway of the kitchen; his hands in his pocket and looking towards the floor, but peeking at his son and lover interacting. Sam turns around, facing Dean and with a slight nod of understanding, whispers into his son’s ear. Johnny whips his face towards Dean with a huge grin on his face, shouting “Pop!”
Sam relaxes, at the sight, to see the love reflecting in Dean’s eyes, over being needed from their son. Dean steps forward and embraces his family, whispering, “I’m here. Pop, is here.”
“Yay!!” Johnny shouts.
Sam lets out his breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Johnny holds out his hands, makes grabby fists towards Dean, as he transfers Johnny into Dean’s arms. He gazes into his brother’s eyes, to acknowledge that their son needs him too.
Sam waits for the bomb shell to occur to Dean, on how he was holding their son in his arms. Usually he holds his son against his belly, but with finding out they were going to have another child in six months, Johnny had to be placed on his hip.
“Sam?” Dean asks, with confusion and anxious about the unusual hold.
“Um, Dean, I had a physical today, and well, everything went well. Though, I found out I was three-months pregnant, we’re going to have another baby.” Sam says, trying to hold off the excitement.
“Really? Sammy, I can’t believe it.” Dean says, shock and pure excitement, evident on his face.
“Yeah, Dean. We’ll be adding a new addition in October.”
Sam doesn’t have time to react or think about the emotions pulsing through him and his family. It’s the feel of warm lips pressed against his in a heated passionate kiss. The kiss speaks louder than any words Dean could use to express himself about anything really. A kiss says it all, right? I want that baby too! I want our family to stay together. I want you so badly.
Sam smiles into the kiss and hears the giggles of their two-year old son. He can feel Dean’s lip grow into a smile, the small rumbles of laughter making its way through Dean’s body. They are laughing, truly laughing, breathing and he knows everything will be okay.
“Daddy. Pop. I want a baby sister, please.”
They all laugh even harder. Sam is hoping for a girl. A girl with Dean’s freckles, hair color and his big-wide green eyes. The laughter completes them.
Later on; Dean takes Johnny to bed. Sam slowly walks up the stairs to listen to the end of the story that Dean is telling to a very sleepy boy.
“So then after Daddy loses the rabbit’s foot, he looks at me and says ‘I lost my shoe’...”
The little boy sleepily laughs and Sam knows he is about to fall asleep.
Sam pushes open the door to Johnny’s room and peaks inside. The boy is snuggled down in his bed, just the tufts of his hair visible. Dean is perched on the side of the small bed, gazing lovingly at their son.
He moves into the room, squatting down next to his brother, leaning up against his back to whisper quietly into Dean’s ear, “Let’s go; he’s going to be asleep soon.”
Dean leans forward and kisses the top of Johnny’s head.
“I love you Pop.” Is sleepily spoken from under the covers.
“I love you too.” Dean says as he rises and follows Sam out of the room.
Leaving the door slightly ajar and the night light on Dean looks at Sam and says, “It’s been a long day; let’s relax in bed and talk.”
Never one to miss a chance to sit quietly with Dean, Sam rushes down stairs to lock up the house and make sure the TV is off. Something they always forget to shut off at night.
Walking into their bedroom Sam stops to look as Dean takes his clothes off and scoots into bed. He rests his body up against the headboard and looks expectantly at Sam.
“Clothes off big boy.” He says laughing.
Sam quickly removes his clothes and jumps into bed, leans over to kiss Dean hard and fast. As he leans back, he beams at Dean’s expression. Love shines from his eyes.
“So baby number two. Are you happy about this?” Sam asks nervously.
“Of course I’m happy.” Dean says. “A brother or sister for Johnny is going to be great. It’ll be great for Johnny. It’ll be great for us.”
“You know I love you very much and having another baby is going to be great. I’m hoping for a girl, that way you can chase away potential boyfriends.” Sam says, laughing.
Dean leans over to kiss Sam again, while Sam scoots down onto the bed. He wraps his arms around Dean as they continue to love each other.
They are together. Happy in a life they both had always secretly wanted. Now they have their apple-pie life!
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Date: 2015-01-19 09:14 am (UTC)A kiss does say a lot. You did good xo
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Date: 2015-01-19 05:56 pm (UTC)A kiss does say a lot.
I'm so proud of this fic!!!